December  1998

Harikesa Swami Resigns
 

   

Letter From Harikesa Das

December 9, 1998 - BY HARIKESA DAS

Letter to the GBC from Harikesa. December 8, 1998

Dear GBC members, PAMHO

It is important that I write to you about my present situation, how I feel, and the future. There has been much misunderstanding and a clarification is required. I am sorry that I did not communicate before.

I had a severe collapse on June 2nd. I needed a long vacation. I tried to take that. During this vacation, I came to the realization that significant changes were required so that I could continue to progress in my life. While going through these changes, I confronted my innermost doubts which I had repressed for so long. While dealing with these thoughts and feelings, I confused different devotees while acting and speaking in an unfamiliar manner. I also acted sometimes out of anger, which was neither good nor productive. Please forgive me for that.

I am most concerned for the welfare and future of the children. I have seen for many years that they have been neglected and severely damaged. I have tried to understand why this is so. I have come to terms with the reasons why this happened and my conclusions were startling, even to myself. I stand by these conclusions and will not step back from them, for unless one understands the root cause of a disease, one cannot factually cure it. As we are dealing with people, we cannot overlook their pain simply to maintain some status quo. The child is the father of man. A society which does not care for, protect and nurture its children is a foolish one at best and a sick one as well. Without developing the younger generations, a society is dead. An intelligent person will think deeply about why such things happened in ISKCON and what were the actual causes.

While meditating deeply about the situation of the children and seeing parallels in my own life, I came to understand that there were serious mistakes made in the conception of ISKCON by Srila Prabhupada. Please understand, this realization was extremely painful for me and it caused me intense anxiety. However, I cannot deny this, neither will I make the usual adjustments to sidestep the situation through some form of rationalization. I know that this will mean that I am to be rejected by ISKCON, but I cannot be dishonest with myself any longer, neither can I maintain some official position in relation to the institution simply to protect myself. As I have no position in the institution, neither any desire whatsoever to recover one, I have nothing to lose by standing by my convictions, which, although disagreeable to many, make very much sense to me.

I do not think that admitting that Srila Prabhupada made mistakes compromises his position as a pure devotee, for everyone within the material world makes mistakes as this is the nature of the material world. Unless the mistakes are deeply understood, there is no question of correcting them. What I said about Prabhupada was in relation to the creation of the institution, managerial affairs, and the difficulty with the understanding of family life. I still love him as a person, as I have always, but I am deeply hurt and need time to recover before I can be more enthusiastic. Certainly he helped me very much and I am indebted and appreciative to him for that. I certainly tried my best to serve him as he wanted, even sometimes against my better judgment, and often at extremely great personal risks, as when I preached in the East. Although others cannot see it, we have resolved the problems within our relationship, and all is fine.

I understand that for ISKCON as an institution to come to terms with such an understanding would be almost impossible and I am in no illusion at present that it will happen soon. However, it might be required. You know what I have said about this and there is no need to repeat this here.

However, it is important to understand the circumstances surrounding the recording of that infamous tape of early August. I do not remember the exact dates or days of the week when this occurred, but I do remember well the sequence of events. I was deeply thinking for many weeks about my own and ISKCON's problems and finally came to shocking conclusions. This caused me to erupt like a volcano. I was very angry and bitter at how I, and other devotees, had been treated and also how I acted towards others in turn. I was furious about the institutionalized abuse of the women and children, brahmanas and cows, and simply blew up. For two or maximally three, days after that, I spoke to a few devotees, not more than 8 or 12, and definitely not to many on the telephone, as I had been accused. During these turbulent times, my dear disciple Visvadeva das, as well as one other, decided to tape record these conversations. Had he asked me whether he could do that, I would have said no since I was still just developing my ideas and especially my presentation. Besides I was mad as hell and was not going to take it anymore. But due to the way things are done nowadays, he chose to secretly record the conversations. Whatever his externally expressed motivations were, he acted like a spy, and this created enormous animosity between myself and many others.

Do you ever get very angry? When you get extremely angry, don't you say things and do things which are not very nice? What if when you are in such an angry condition and saying different things, someone would secretly record you. put it on the internet and play the tape for your children and relatives? How would you feel about that? Further, are words expressed in anger and disappointment to be taken later on as definitive statements? Of course not. And wouldn't any sane family member ask you how you felt about such words after you calmed down?

On the third day, I had a discussion with Abhiram das. I expressed many of the things which were previously recorded, but this time in a more calm manner, with much more emotional detachment. He agreed with many things, or at least he said so, but he said something interesting to me. He said that I was harming his internal sentiments and that he could not take that. I respected this and immediately stopped speaking to him about this. After that, I did not speak in the same way. Once I said something milder to Guru Sakti das since he asked, but I did not make it a policy to speak to others about the mistakes of Srila Prabhupada since I did not want to harm their sentiments.

I heard a few things which I said in that conversation from a devotee (I have not heard the tapes or seen the transcript) and I laughed at the fury of my expressions. Sure, I feel that my realizations were correct, but definitely not how I must have expressed it in those few days. Some have been pushing me to say why he did what he did, wanting to know some deeper reasoning behind it, but I am not speaking about it, although I have my understanding why. I do feel that there was a plan behind everything and that in the future it will be revealed more clearly.

The way these tapes were used against me, especially in Russia, was truly improper.

Basically I was trying to help ISKCON in my usual radical manner. I have given up trying to do that, so please do not fear. When devotees come to see me, which is very rare nowadays, we speak about how we were victimized in various ways. They often tell me how I was a very large part of the process and I feel badly for that.

There were also some problems with the Visva Toshani money. I am sorry for this and were I to have the choice to do it over, I would not act the same way. However, I was very much cheated, and I can document this exactly to anyone who wishes to know the truth. (The VT people say it was not as I perceived, but I only knew what was happening to me.) Because I felt so cheated, I acted angrily towards those who were supposed to be my friends (disciples?). It was wrong. I later quickly gave up all attachment to these funds and publicly said so.

To be clear, this money never was ISKCON money. I do not subscribe to this communistic idea that anything anyone creates while a member of ISKCON belongs to ISKCON. This is not correct. I never signed or spoke any oath which declared otherwise, for I felt it basically wrong and also illegal to make one do so. I have never taken ISKCON funds. In this case, ISKCON did nothing to create that money neither could it create the money or the programs I did while spending it. The credit for the creation of that money goes to Sannyas das (mainly), Brahmika das, Brahmananda Puri das, and to a certain extent myself. It was all done privately. I simply wanted back what was rightfully the property of those who created it. The money would have been used for powerful rehabilitation programs for the damaged ISKCON children and devotees. This was my real reason for wanting it.

In 28 years of ISKCON life I can honestly say I never spent one cent on my sense gratification, although others gave me facilities out of their love for me. I was not interested for myself, always for others. I did make mistakes, and there were losses.

I calculated that within an 18 month period, I gave or arranged to be given, over 5 million dollars to ISKCON and Mayapur. A large amount of that was spent on children. Further, if you add the almost 3 million that was taken from me by force, this comes to over 8 million dollars given. If someone comes to the temple and gives ten thousand, he is treated like a king. Ambarish das is revered in ISKCON, mainly because he gave some millions. ( He is a wonderful person who I very much like and who can help ISKCON understand how to economically deal with its devotees). I am by far the largest donor in ISKCON's history, yet I am dealt with in a very strange manner. It is a shame.

My personal situation is that I am going to marry Kamalasundari dd. She has arranged with her former husband a settlement and he is signing the papers soon. As her close friends know well, her relationship with her former husband was over before I (re)met her, and she had moved from him and got her own flat. It is not because of me that they divorced. I am marrying her because I love her and she loves me. She is a wonderful person with wonderful qualities and we are extremely compatible. I am very happy with this. Neither of us feel that she being a former disciple of mine disturbs this relationship or is somehow less spiritual. One can ask her how she feels about this.

I will remain aloof from ISKCON and I will not be under the control of ISKCON, the GBC or others, unless forced to do so. I will remain independent. I will be a well wisher. Although I have the potential to legally harm ISKCON, I did not do it. The German government was eager to get me to work against ISKCON and had I done so it could have meant severe damage in many places. Do not forget that I know everything that happened in great detail. I am not interested to make counterproductive trouble to anyone, but I am interested in helping the people within ISKCON who are so important. To be quite frank, I am not interested in the institution, but rather in SOME of the people within it. Naturally, I am no longer able to tolerate dealing with the few fanatics and insane people. One simply has to look at the November 17th posting on VNN (which I saw for the first time two days ago) to understand that some are truly insane. I will answer that separately.

People are more important than things, buildings, positions, money, power, scores, and name. Individuals come first in any spiritual association.

I will write separately to my disciples regarding how I would like to deal with those who are still interested in hearing something from me.

I expect that you will not be able to deal with me properly and I do not mind and understand. For the sake of the institution, you cannot keep me within your ranks and you must 'protect' the society from me. At present, I do not want to be in ISKCON, neither am I interested in starting my own movement or being some kind of leader. I will live my own life, whatever that may be, under the direct guidance of Their Lordships. I will do good for others, as I always have done in my life.

What do I want from you? Nothing really except that you will first of all forgive me for my harshness, and for my acting improperly during the last months. You may do what you like to me, but I will love you still. I am well protected although I fear ISKCON fanatics who might decide that demons like me do not deserve to live peacefully. Perhaps you can help me somehow? Maybe I did something for you in the past? Maybe I can also do something in the future too? Maybe what I have to say and what I have learned could help the devotees? It all depends on desire.

I also want that if I sometimes would dare to enter an ISKCON temple, that I be allowed to see the Deities which I love. I will bring no followers (are there any?), and will not speak to anyone except to say Hari Bol and ask about their welfare. I would also like to be able to visit Mayapur and perhaps stay there sometime. I would also like that my room there be preserved as it is now. After all, I paid for it, as well as dozens of flats, and gave lots of money.

I have nothing to do with the BBT or BBT money in Russia. I am not instructing anyone to take anything or do anything, although I maintain close personal relationships with many. I am not leading or even instructing the devotees in St Petersburg, although I have given hints how to make economic independence for the devotees and how to keep them interested in worshiping the Deities. You must deal directly with individuals when there are problems with them. Do not ask me to interfere in these situations as I have nothing to do with them.

I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused you. Please forgive me. Please give your heartfelt blessings to me and Kamalasundari dd so that we can live a happy life, although I am already quite old. Believe me it is quite difficult to build up a life from the age of 50.

I wish you well. I wish that the devotees develop in their Krsna consciousness more and more. I wish that the children will be protected and the spiritual connections between devotees developed and nurtured more and more. I wish you all success in your endeavors to develop love of God and bringing Lord Caitanya's yuga dharma to the world.

I end with offering you all my love. I do remain your well wisher. Please tolerate my cutting comments. Good luck to you.


 

Harikesa Fired, Pending Review?

December 10, 1998 - The GBC Executive Committee has issued a statement to "suspend [Harikesa] as a guru in ISKCON", pending a review in Mayapur 1999. "Lack of faith" is given as reason for this action. This policy of suspending gurus has raised many questions in the past, as some have asked, where in the bonafied vedic shastra it is stated that a guru can be fired from his job. According to vedic standards only a Sudra can be fired from his jobs, since he is employed. Even a Vaishya cannot be fired, since he is financially independent, what to speak of a Ksatriya or Brahmana. As "Authority for this decision" the GBC quoted from "ISKCON Law" - the new(age) shastra?

(Text from COM)
Date: 09-Dec-98
Subject: Notice from the GBC Executive Committee

Status of Harikesa dasa - Tuesday, December 8th, 1998

On August 12th, 1998 the GBC executive committee issued a statement on the status of Harikesa dasa acting as an initiating spiritual master in ISKCON. At that time he was put on probation, with the hope that his difficulties would be of a temporary nature. It now appears that his lack of faith in Srila Prabhupad and his inability to represent the standards and teachings of our disciplic succession and Vedic shastra are deep and on going. Thus we are obliged, according to ISKCON law and out of care and concern for those initiated by Harikesa dasa, to suspend him as a guru in ISKCON. This status will be reviewed again and adjusted accordingly at the Mayapur annual meetings in February of 1999.

The August 12th decision to place Harikesa dasa on probation came with a set of guidelines for rectification. To date there has been no positive or encouraging movement in this direction, rather it appears that he is moving farther away from Srila Prabhupad and Vedic standards and philosophy. Therefore we are obliged to make this statement.

We recognize that this is a very painful and troubling situation for those initiated by Harikesa dasa. We are all fortunate that there is always the security and shelter of Srila Prabhupada's books, his personal example, his service, the Deities, and above all the association of the Vaishnavas. Taking shelter in these will protect you spiritually in these difficult times.

There is no doubt that Srila Prabhupada will extend his special mercy to all of you to help you in your progress back home, back to Godhead.

In the way of practical application, the status of suspension means that it is not longer considered appropriate to offer the standard worship given to a guru in good standings. There should be no conflict because Harikesa dasa himself has repeatedly stated that he no longer wishes to be seen in the role of a spiritual master.

We in ISKCON appreciate Harikesa dasa for his many past accomplishments in devotional service and join you in prayers that he will one day revive his full faith in Srila Prabhupad and the ability to work within the standards and system of mangement Srila Prabhupad, as the founder/ acharya of ISKCON personally established.

Your servants,

Ravindra Svarupa dasa, Sesa dasa, and Badrinarayan dasa

PS: See "attachment" for the appropriate ISKCON laws

ATTACHMENT: Authority for this decision

ISKCON Lawbook

6.4.4.2 Emergency Reports

If any approved guru has: 1. taken reinitiation/shelter of a non-ISKCON guru or institution;
2. rejected ISKCON or Srila Prabhupada; or
3. undergone a change of service, of arama, or of living situation, which the local GBC member feels threatens to hamper the approved guru's ability to give guidance or to set a proper standard of conduct for disciples, then the GBC member shall submit an emergency report to the Executive Committee. If possible, this report shall include a written statement from the guru in question as to his intentions in regard to his disciples and his devotional service.

If not possible, then the report shall at least include a description of the approved guru's intentions as best they can be discerned through the investigation of the GBC member.

The report shall also contain any other information which would be of value to the GBC Body in determining the guru's status, as well as the recommendations of the local Temple Presidents, zonal councils, etc.

The Executive Committee shall review the emergency reports and take any necessary action.

6.4.5.3 Suspension

If a guru blatantly ignores the terms of probation, or repeatedly breaks one or more of the regulative principles, or acts in a manner which seriously and harmfully disregards existing ISKCON or GBC policies, or leaves his arama of sannyasa without authorization, or leaves the assocition of devotees and the ISKCON movement, or completely deviates from standard sadhana, he may be suspended. If a guru is suspended he cannot give initiation, nor maintain an absolute siksa position in relation with his disciples, nor be introduced as a spiritual master, nor perform his guru functions such as receiving guru-puja or the acceptance of daksina.  (end)


 

Harikesa Letter to Disciples

December 18, 1998 - BY HARIKESA DAS (VIA COM)

Is Harikesa speaking of himself when he is saying now: "Some disciples were simply using me to fulfill their material desires while cloaking themselves as spiritualists and spiritual leaders"?

The following letter from Harikesa to his disciples may shed some more light on the current mindset of this former ISKCON guru and Chairman of the GBC. Some say it is another attempt of Harikesa to regain control of the dwindling number of disciples who are willing to support him, by redefining his relationship with them ("no socks or bead bags please" - just money?).

This after, as some say, recent attempt to iron things out with ISKCON which prompted the GBC to fire Harikesa immeadiately without waiting for the Mayapur meetings in 1999:

December 13, 1998

My dear disciples and former disciples,

Hare Krsna. This letter is a further clarification of my recent letter to the GBC. It is specifically meant for you. When loving relationships between people are real, they cannot be broken or forgotten due to external circumstances. Although some have rejected me, some think me crazy, some think me offensive, some want to forget me and accept some other guru, and on the other side some think that things are moving in a positive direction, I cannot give up our relationships, for they are real to me.

I am the kind of person that when one does something for him, he never forgets this and always tries to work for the benefit of that person. However, I am extremely sensitive and when others think badly about me or start projecting their negative energy on me grossly or subtly, it causes me pain and sickness. Because of this, despite my deep desire to nourish our relationships, I have to a large extent become very disappointed and discouraged in many relationships. I know that some of you are still my great well-wishers and this shows in your support of me at this point. I also know that some of you are actually very deep friends of mine and I very much appreciate this.

However, there are some who wish me harm.

I can no longer maintain relations and dealings as I did before with each and every one of you. It has become obvious to me that some disciples were simply using me to fulfill their material desires while cloaking themselves as spiritualists and spiritual leaders. Understanding this has been one of my greatest disappointments in life. As more time passes since my collapse, it becomes increasingly clear what each want from me, and more importantly, what I am capable of healthily giving. Understanding this has forced me to reconsider my commitment to my relationships in ISKCON.

I have understood that I find it very, very hard to say no to someone. I usually say yes to most things that people want unless it is damaging to themselves, and even then it is very difficult. I never considered saying no to someone when it would be damaging to me. I gave money to almost all who wanted or needed it, I gave my time to everyone, I gave my energy completely to others and I rarely, if ever, had the good judgement to just say, 'enough.' Even when I was on my so-called 'vacation,' I was engaged in working and satisfying the desires of others. A recent experience I had with a devotee who came to help me was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I feel that it is time to write what I honestly feel and think about me and the way in which our relationship can manifest in the future.

From this point on I can no longer just accept everything that others want. I will now start to consider what I want and what I need first, and later, perhaps much later, I will again start to consider what others need. At this point in time, and continuing for some indefinite period of indeterminate length, I wish to ask my disciples to stop expecting anything from me. Do not expect me to return to ISKCON, and do not expect me to act towards anyone in any particular manner according to some customs or traditions. Do not expect me to continue working for you as in the past and do not expect me to look as you might think. Do not expect me to be always available to answer letters, phone calls or e-mail. Do not expect communications from me unless there is some need from my side as well. As I have to take care of my life, and especially the needs of my family, I do not have the time, energy or inclination to spend hours each day reading and answering communications from others which do not relate to me according to my situation.

I have been sometimes reading letters sent to me when I can, and I enjoy your good wishes. Just know it that I do love you still. Here is an example which can help you understand how that love will manifest. When I got sick, many sent letters with donations which were all taken away by my secretaries and which I never saw again. After the word got out that I wanted to change my life and I hinted that I might get married for I felt this was the best situation for me to survive, all donations stopped.

Since that time there were only three occasions when disciples gave me something (outside of my dear friends from Armenia and some from Russia who have turned out to be truly loving people in all respects). I suppose you all thought that if I wanted to do something that you thought was wrong, then you should not give me donations anymore although you write that you love me. Fair enough. Just consider the situation from my side and you will start to understand that I cannot continue to work or worry for your benefit in the same manner, although I love you still. This is an example. Even were you to give me money again, I would not continue in the same way as before. I used the example of the money to show how conditional these so-called spiritual relationships in ISKCON are. They are very dissatisfying and shallow because they are actually impersonal, although it is not so obvious how.

I am sure you are wondering how I will relate to you. I wish to be a person who has some knowledge and realization (perhaps a lot) which I can share with you for your benefit. I think that I can actually give you something which you sorely need. I do not mean advice on how to follow the process of sadhana bhakti, simple questions of philosophy, resolving problems in your family life or how to become faithful followers of ISKCON. I do not mean questions of your personal suffering, psychological and emotional disturbances and material needs.

Since you can so easily get your other questions answered by the many eagerly awaiting gurus and leaders in ISKCON who are dedicating themselves to protect you from me and what I say, there is no need for me to do that anymore. What I can do is to give you some ideas which will help you mature as people who are endeavoring for perfection along the spiritual path. I am a teacher by nature. It manifests all the time as I am constantly instructing others in all aspects of life. Although some cannot understand it, my knowledge and realizations have only increased in the last year.

I am quite aware of many things and am not afraid to explain it to those who are mature and capable of understanding. But one has to want to understand things which are not conforming to the comfortable norms before discussing such ideas. It is not that I will discuss such things every day, neither necessarily with any person who I meet at any particular time of the day or who calls on the phone. When I can and when it is relevant and proper, I will speak to those who can hear and who will benefit from such speeches. In due course of time I will write and this might help some. Do not expect me to be a representative of anyone except my own conscience and hopefully, the desires of the Lord.

Do not come to me for healing unless you are invited by me, neither should you ask me for a loan as I have no money to give anymore. Go to Visva Toshani since they took everything in the name of the spiritual organization which will save the world and which is a house in which everyone can live. Since you are all living in the same house, maybe they will help you. As for me, I want a house in which I can live. It is certainly not ISKCON.

Do not continue to give me your good advice and tell me what to do. If you wish to pity me and look compassionately upon me in my fallen state, then please write me a letter, put a stamp on it and then throw it away in the nearest garbage can.

Let's be friends. You might like to remember what I have done for you in the past. Maybe you will see there was some benefit. Maybe you will feel harmed, misused and exploited. If you feel harmed by me, I am very sorry. I did not want to harm anyone. I did what I was supposed to do enthusiastically for I felt that although I did not agree with everything and much was extremely distasteful to me (most significantly the way the children were dealt with), I had faith that everything was under Krsna's control and He would be pleased with me for following His representative and trying sincerely to change the system from within and thus weed out the rotten and unwanted. I tried to represent the interests of Srila Prabhupada and his organization, ISKCON, as best I could, although many times I felt that the gain for me or others was not reciprocal. While maintaining the interests of the organization, to a large extent I neglected the real interests and needs of myself and the individuals within it. Since I so much neglected myself for the sake of the mission, I also felt I had a right to push others for the mission, and I hid behind the shield of the instructions of Srila Prabhupada which were to print and distribute his books and preach by creating centers and making and training devotees within the structure he created and by cooperating with the GBC. The ends do not justify the means, and certainly idealistic ends create more harm than good. I am very sorry for this.

Had I been actually true to myself and what I felt was right, I would have had the strength to stand up earlier and get myself out of the increasingly entangling web before I became too old. I tried this earlier, even in the presence of Srila Prabhupada, but got nowhere. Considering this, I was indeed a dedicated follower.

You might feel victimized or exploited by me, but I feel the same way. I feel exploited by the needs of the institution and those within it. Sure, if you look at the past you will see much good, much development and much knowledge. It was not all bad, neither was I all bad. But there were definite problems which were never addressed (indeed they were taboo) and these unresolved problems have cracked my inner strength to go on in the same way as before.

I still love Radha and Krsna. I still want to have darsan of the Deities. I still love to chant and hear. I am taking a vacation from so much reading since I have read all the books perhaps 50 or more times and chanting hundreds of millions of times. I still want to serve and do good for others and assist somehow in spreading the real mission of Lord Caitanya (not the ISKCON mission) throughout the world, and doing real welfare work for others.

However, I need rest, peace, relaxation, and a long time to heal the wounds which very seriously developed in the momentous year of 1998. The pain in my heart is incredible and it will not go away so easily. It is beyond therapy, beyond chanting, beyond the resolutions of the GBC, or the harsh words expressed by the advanced devotees on COM, or elsewhere, who capitalize on the sufferings of others. It needs time.

I am asking you to give me that time. I have been asking this since last summer, but no one wanted to give it to me. Almost all the statements I wrote in those days after my collapse were stopped by others near me and therefore you all thought that I had left you and would not communicate. You heard what they wanted you to hear. When you finally got some messages, they were edited by the GBC and my secretaries. I became more and more frustrated and felt imprisoned and exploited. When I finally got the opportunity to communicate (as they cancelled my COM account rather quickly), the things I said were shocking to those who were not properly informed about my condition from the beginning.

I gave you the best I had. Why not reciprocate and help me now? I do not need pictures, socks, bead bags, or flowers. I do not need to have meetings and darsans with you. I need to get a practical life together. Maybe I will do something for you in the future? Who knows? You ask me what you can call me. I have found that disciples who are still close to me call me Visnupada and because they like it, I like it still. It somehow fits. I know it is not the best name since it implies in ISKCON some ongoing responsibility towards my disciples from my side, but as far as names go, it is as good as any other. It is simply a name and not a title or position. If you want to call me that, then go ahead for no one can stop you or even has the right to do so. I do not like being called Harikesa and only use that name when I am at a loss how to identify myself to those I call or write to. If you are interested in my opinion, then do not use that name. I would rather be called Robert than Harikesa, although that is also not the greatest. I would like to be called by some other name in the future.

I do not want you to pay obeisances to me. You may, if you really have the feeling to do so, offer respects through your thoughts, words and deeds and this is much more real than some artificial bowing to the ground while the heart and mind is disturbed. Do not chant any pranam mantras to me. Do not do any guru puja for me. Do not have any pictures on your altars. Do not offer your food to me. You can offer it directly to your Deities with love and devotion. (Ah yes, I can hear the pundits now pulling out their hundreds of quotes and millions of lines of arguments. Spare me such polemics, bitte).

What can you do? You can think nicely about me and pray intensely to Their Lordships that I will be peaceful and happy in this life and return to Them if this is Their desire. You can help me in my life by assisting me in fulfilling my real needs without the expectation of the returns usually associated with such services in ISKCON.

You should not think badly about Kamalasundari devi dasi. You should not be envious of her and think that you should have been in her position. It was and is simply not possible. As far as I can see, I could not have lived with any other of my female disciples for any length of time, so there is no possibility of accepting anyone else. Neither am I going to have any illicit affairs with other women, either grossly or subtly. Neither do I feel a responsibility to maintain or please any other women for any reason.

It is not Kamalasundari's fault that this is so, it is simply the way I am. I am a shy and conservative person at heart, and I am very pleased with just devoting myself to her in a loving relationship.

Please do not try to come between us, either grossly or subtly. Please do not project your negative energy on us if you have any interests whatsoever to help me. Please do sincerely bless us and pray for our welfare. Give up your former conceptions of me as your figurehead who is the shining example of a leader you will follow back to Godhead. There are already many shining examples in the lives of Lord Caitanya's pure followers and you do not need my life as your example, neither do you need the lives of others in ISKCON or elsewhere. However, everyone does as they like and also thinks as they like, so all I can ultimately say to you is good luck in your progressive advancement of life.

I have read some total nonsense written about me, even by those who proclaim to know me. One good piece of advice is to learn through your own experience and not be dependent on the words of others. Certainly one should hear other's opinions and take them into account, but the final understanding should come from you alone and no one else. This is most important in your attempt to understand me (or anyone else, for that matter), if you are at all interested to do so. It is easy to say, 'he is fallen and is to be pitied, rejected, or corrected,' but that will not help me, you, or even ISKCON, very much.

Why don't you just wait and see what will happen? Why not make the adjustments in your life to stabilize your economic situation so you are not dependent on some impersonal institution which is controlling you through money and rules? Why not find some personal satisfaction in your relationships with others and develop as a truly spiritual person on this planet? Why not find a community with a heart? Maybe you will be happy. And when you do that, maybe you will understand better what I am doing.

Do not let others push you around, or exploit you in the name of spiritual life. Do not let anyone abuse or hurt your children in the name of some archaic and irrelevant system. Do not accept the domination of the cold and metallic male energy which rules ISKCON in the guise of being a loving authority. But do accept the essence of spiritual life.

I wish you well.

 

 

The Harikesh Saga

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